2022 Life Recap

January

• 19 // the day makde took me to meet the psychiatrist. It was just the three of us; me, makde and mummy. we talked abt how they dealt with heartbreaks. I remember when makde asked me abt my attempt, i didnt say much but i just nodded my head. She then hugged me and cried together with me saying "kita jumpa dr ok". 
• It was very scary and lonely, i then get my first diagnose as MDD and had escilatopram and alprazolam with me. No side effects. It was okay for me at first.
• 28 // bleached my hair
• 29 // buy myself a new pair of eyes in purple

February

• 15 // adik got covid
• 17 // paint by number the great wave 
• 25 // ku kira kau rumah with lily. Cried like a mad woman, the film was a lil bit too triggering for me. Niskala was diagnosed with bpd, she OD the alprazolam. I sobbed and passed out after a while during the movie.
• 26 // i bought it ends with us by colleen hoover.

March

• 2 // dr came out with a new diagnose which was bipolar disorder type II, bloodtaking for tremor, my partner in my department will be signing off, i was in my high energy so the reactions get delayed. i was supposed to be wfh but i rushed to the office and update 20 pieces of bmt firmware, 185 sites of bmt faulty (which is crazy to be think of rn, how do i managed to get em all done in less than a day).
• 5 // my depressive phase hit and i couldnt sleep a wink. screaming crying and struggling.
• 8 // on my high energy, went to hutan bandar for a walk and run under the rain
• 10 // cut my hair. reorganized my room
• 15 // another depressive phase
• 17 // jujutsu movie with lily
• 19 // went out with wani
• 23 // this was the actual date i commented on that collin rea's video
• 28 // another depressive phase

April

• 1 // socializing with my big family (first one after that big traumatic event)
• 2 // hi tea at impiana hotel
• 3 // Ramadhan kareem (i burst out during breaking fast in front of everyone at rumah atok)
• 5 //  side effect of quetiapine fumarate 50mg: badass headache
• 6 // went back to my family's house; revisiting the trauma
• 7 // sending my baby off to Kolej Vokasional. Worst worst worsttt anxiety attack, had to take alprazolam that night.
• 9 // virtual movie with oni, jie and aini
• 15 // chopped my hair to boyish haircut and dyed it burgundy
• 26 // side effect of quetiapine: my hormones said f u and got me a really bad period cramp
• 28 //  another depressive phase
• 30 // studio photo with mummy's family

May

• 1 // studio photo with my family
• 2 // selamat hari raya ayah. Skipped my meds and i didnt sleep the whole night and became so hyper the next day. Makde forced me to eat my meds and i fainted from 6pm till 11am the next day. QUETIAPINE REALLY GETS U TO THE MOON
• 4 // Lily's birthday at hard rock. the brownies was superrrrr delicious (and pricey).
• 6 // another depressive phase
• 8 // i started watch 25 21
• 9 // innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun Hj Selamat bin Hj Ali. My atok left us, i cried the whole journey in the bus cs i didnt get to see him being buried, just like ayah.
• 11 // my site visit to my old internship place! cant believe they remembered me hihi
• 13 // savannah hill
• 16 // another depressive phase. took EL very early in the morning cs i couldnt carry myself to work.
• 17 // rizqi and husband came to visit me, they even got me a small pot of hydrangea from cameron <3
• 21 // sesat dengan siti semata nak gi open house rumah bang am 😂
• 22 // went to office without getting any sleep and vomited in the office
• 28 // helped angah with his test, i passed! oops i mean we but technically it's me who did the test. cant believe my brain is still working 
• 29 // sambutan raya at tm point
• 30 // went to site near my old house. bang am saw how quick my energy dropped & my mood switched, i suddenly became too exhausted and uninterested in things i was doing.
• 31 // another sambutan raya at tmpoint

June

• 2 // Bleached my hair yellow 4x and dyed my hair pink purplish. Reorganized my room, again.
• 3 // went to funfair and picked up odah
• 4 // one week short getaway with odah. Night walk, random dance, lrt photoshoot together
• 5 // pasar seni date with odah. (i cried over an architectural structures haha), henna, p ramlee gallery, scooter funny moments! it was this day, this was the turning point, the day i get to spread my wings and believe in my own two feet. she made me do it, she opened my eyes, i can never thank her enough for this
• 6 // went to pika's house (the first one after we bicker, get so emotional in explaining to her about my conditions, had mini anxiety in front of her and she asked me to take my meds first)
• 7 // Aquaria sight seeing and met sufieya.
• 8 // My first solo lrt ride, big girl grown up.
• 9 // went back
• 12 // another depressive phase. one of the worst, ever.
• 16 // therapy and consultation in the same day really drained me. not recommended. bought beautyra belle mascara.
• 18 // impulsive buying at jalan jalan japan
• 20 // burst out and broke down in the office when i got the memo of convocation date
• 23 // malacca trip with my protege buddies
• 24 // genting trip!! they said in order for u to heal is to replace the bad memories with the good ones. i wont be hating genting anymore after this, cs my friends did a great job in making sure only good memories shall be remained there.
• 25 // had a mini break down last night but life must goes on! went to colmar and i get to wear kimono!!!
• 28 // mat kilau with protege buddies after working hour!
• 30 // farewell lunch with piqa and banglong sarol :(

July

• 2 // animecon at paradigm with lily and manman
• 3 // happy birthday ayah
• 7 // he found me here, on this day ♡ 
• 8 // brought adik, angah and kak hasanah to watch mat kilau
• 9 // my ex suddenly attacked me hahaha but thanks to that we get to talk to each other in whatsapp
• 16 // another depressive phase
• 17 // work trip to malacca. a walk to remember
• 19 // farewell lunch for mai
• 25 // met adi putra, thank you mel i love you
• 27 // tayar kereta ofis masuk longkang kat hway pepagi hahahaha dari ngantuk terus segarrr
• 28 // i met the most insensitive, unempathetic psychiatrist ever in my life. i went all crying stepping out from the room, while waiting for the meds, inside of bang am's car, non stop

August ♡ 

• 2 // impulsive buying at velvet vanity
• 5 // off to pahang to take my convocation robe
• 6 // preconvo photoshoot with oni, jie and aini. it was veryyy fun!! we made a lot of tiktok videos
• 7 // My Graduation Day. The day where i thought i will be most broken, most vulnerable, most lonely, most scared, turned out to be the most beautiful day that ever happened to me this year. All my family were there, i got lots of bouquet from my family and friends. Everyone makes me feel special and validated alhamdulillah. Also, I was completely clueless about his feeling towards me, i was just thinking he did that bcs i looked pathetic and that he just wanted to make me happy. It was until i read the card, i saw the tiktok video he made for me. he travelled 227km with only one thing in his head; it was to make me happy. 
• 8 // It was this day that completely changed my life. The day that i realized i wasnt so afraid to be in love and to be loved anymore. The day that i aint hesitate to put my heart at risk again for someone like him. The day that i told myself to give me a chance to try again. The day that i decided to be held and taken care of for the rest of my life by this man. The day where i realised i wanted to grow old together sleeping next to him, the day where i realised i wanted to carry his children in my small belly. He makes me wanted to live for another day. 
• 9 // still getting convo treats from mel
• 10 // another day another parcels from mel
• 11 // Happiest Birthday to you love, i hope you like your birthday present this year <3
• 16 // went to site near my old house again
• 18 // our first date together hihi. i was sooooo shy at first i didnt even bother to open my mask and never look him in the eyes!
• 19 // spent my day at his workplace, dinner with mami and baba. i was shakingggg so bad but alhamdulillah they welcomed and treated me sooo well. hehe i helped him prepared for the dinner
• 20 // burned my ticket bus just to spend quality time with pika. we had a very fun rainy date at ur mu gallery. brought pika to eat at my man's place. my heart feels so contented that day. pika gave me a friendship bracelet.
• 21 // spent the last few hours with my man before he sent me back to the bus terminal. i got a matching bracelet and a hoodie from him!
• 22 // i was sooooo freaking sleepy the next day and i had to go for site visit to batu pahat, luckily bang am was very understanding and let me sleep for the whole journey. 
• 23 // another depressive phase at night. clean, this time. my boyfriend made me promised to never c*t myself again.
• 25 // had my dosage increased. it's already 350mg now. had to buy pill cutter to stop the eagerness to c*t myself.
• 29 // went for a site visit at kota and eat at qila's place! it was a nice and warm brief meeting!

September

• 1 // site visit at mersing. bang am took me to the beach for sunning and grounding. scientifically proven that it helps with the emotions though
• 3 // another depressive phase because i skipped my meds
• 4 // another depressive phase. Farewell lunch for siti (and aserap)
• 9 // impulsive buying (unconsciously) of beautyra wonder box
• 12 // side effect of quetiapine: finger twitching
• 13 // happy birthday ibu
• 15 // happy birthday angah, the day i learned about smart rack
• 16 // went to malacca with my big family, first time eating tongmo with my cousins (it was a very fun and chill night, lurve!)
• 20 // another depressive phase
• 21 // happy birthday aini my protege buddy, the last man standing
• 27 // post depression impulsive buying (i have 5 parcels unopened), my official graduation photos arrived,
• 30 // dyed my hair ash grey. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL cs it turns out from pink to ash purple

October

• 2 // My boyfriend ordered subway for me
• 3 // the coldest site ive ever been to!!!
• 6 // happy birthday along and onichan
• 7 // another depressive phase
• 9 // happy birthday pakteh @ papa
• 11// discharged for now at occupational theraphy. for psychiatric clinic, had a longggg way to go. side effect of quetiapine: extreme weight gain
• 12// lunch with bapak bapak gitn
• 14//received my earliest birthday gift from my boyfriend
• 18// happy birthday to me. My boyfriend made a poem for me. Bang am celebrated my birthday with roti canai, two slices of cakes and something precious i couldnt say it here. Siti bought aini and me tealive, aiman gave me sbux cake and drink lol. Celebrated my birthday with papa, mummy, lily and manman at secret recipe.
• 19//psychiatrist appt. My next appt is in 2 months.
• 21// received a set of embroidery from oni, jie and aini.
• 23 // happy birthday to my bb mommy qila. Went to almas where i got my heart broken last year lol
• 25// it was today, last year where i ran from my house
• 27 // bang am sent me a list of site attend together
• 29 // welcome to the family, ayang mummy baby aafiyah
• 31 // farewell lunch with gitn family. cried too much this day

November

• 8// mel sent me zara's perfume, i lurve it sm. another depressive phase cs i miss ayah
• 9// mel sent me two pieces of zanzea blouse! bang am gave me cisco textbook
• 10// iv appt 
• 11// meeting my boyfriend but his car broke down :( we went to arcade game together
• 12// spent hours with his parents. my boyfriend rilek ye let me talk to them while he peacefully sleep besides me
• 13// chopped pika's hair. mami invited me to eat her homecook nasi lemak and brought some for me to bring back to pika's house
• 14// time to go back :( mami made sandwiches for me, brought me karipap, drink and cameron's tea for me to eat in the bus hihi. pibedei supiya
• 17// another depressive phase.
• 18// finished the embroidery set my housemate gave me. i enjoyed doing embroidery very much
• 19// election day on my depressive phase
• 21// stayed in pulai 
• 24// welcoming my second anak fruit from homies! my bestfwen qila is now a mom! hello there safiyyah
• 26// early birthday celebration for adik
• 27// pibedei adikku si froyo
• 29// wani came to see me, went all crying. trauma resurfaced
• 30// gloomy days so i made homemade pancake

December

• 5// happy birthday my jiesukjin
• 6// another work iv
• 7// spent hours otp with jiejie
• 12// my nightmares started to haunt me back. secured a job. your girl is an engineer now! also, i be working on something special for atok's 80th birthday.
• 16// family day at atok's house.
• 17// sports bonding time with the family! ira's getting engaged. i just discovered i enjoyed karaoke
• 21// i started driving again after long time. went to get my passport photo done
• 24// pulai-kulai lessgo
• 26// holiday time! woke up in perlis. bukit chabang is amazingly breathtaking. kinkin is damn delicious and cheap.
• 27// kg agong and penang!
• 28// met emy in penang hahaha. penang is beautiful as always.
• 29// self picking strawberry in cameron!
• 30// lavender farm is veryyy beautiful. had lots of pretty photos taken here. went to selangor for a sleepover. my boyfriend came to see us and had dinner together despite his busy and hectic schedule that day. pakteh, mummy and manman loves him and his humor ♡ baby you're either the father of my children or the reason i'll never fall in love again b. 
• 31// accidentally met mami and baba very early in the morning. pakteh and mummy also had a small talk with them hihi. manman and lily went to kidzania. papa mummy and me went for sightseeing at pasar seni. 

2022,

For my worst fears, wounds, nightmares, scars, tragedies, aches, illness; i survived.

For every each of beautiful souls who pick me up whenever i dropped on my knees through my darkest pits of my life, when i wanted to stop walking. For putting me back into one whole piece. For putting colours on my bleak uncertainties. For stuffing food to my soul. For replacing my tears with laughter. For soaring high with me through my clipped wings; we survived.

For myself. My courage, my wills, the time where i kind to myself, the gentleness and tenderness, for new chances and paths, for wanting to keep writing on the next pages; i will survive.

**the red lines mark the day i c*t myself (had to jot it down for progress and clinical history)